


drunk memories

by miniwoozi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Little Fluff, M/M, Sad, Swearing, im sorry, trigger warning, verkwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10852515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miniwoozi/pseuds/miniwoozi
Summary: seungkwan goes to the club to try to forget about his ex boyfriend, vernon.





	drunk memories

**Author's Note:**

> this doesn't end well.

 

 

—  **_Seungkwan's POV_**  —

 

  
My heartbeat. It's too fast.   
Maybe, it's because of Vernon. The one sitting beside me, holding my hand, fiddling with my fingers. Making time stop, in this world that doesn't stop turning.

 

Time could stop, whenever I'm with him. But my heartbeat wouldn't.

 

I was staring at the floor, and I glanced at him, and he bit his lower lip. I could sense him pulling back his gummy smile, but the trace of it was just too evident to go unnoticed.

 

Everything happened slowly, and I stared to space once more. Then he broke up the silence, saying "I've got something to say."

 

"What?" my eyes turned to him, then away quickly. I gulped, he still held my hand.

 

"Seungkwan..." he started with a husky voice, and I could listen to the sound until my next life. "I never told such a thing to someone, b-but.."

 

I couldn't move, nor blink. My breath was hitching but I don't want him to panic or whatever. I probably look so pale. The hand he doesn't hold grew cold. What is he going to say so important to me? 

 

Am I even worth his trust?

 

"Seungkwan, I-I—" my heart could explode at any moment. "I t-think..I'm in love with you."

  
I closed my eyes. If this happened to be a cartoon, then my heart would be beating out of my chest and my jaw dropped on the floor, and hearts would form out of my eyes. A blush on my cheeks, and then I would tell him "I love you," and he would pull me into a kiss that would melt me to my death, but there's no actual death in cartoons.

 

Instead, I sobbed in front of him and hugged him so tightly. 

 

"I feel the same," I said in between hiccups, and he patted my back. His eyes are so filled with innocence, and sparks that shined brighter than the stars.

 

"T-thank you," he smiled shyly, his eyes directed at my chin- or my lips—I felt a warm touch behind my neck, and he pulled me to close the gap in between us. I feel butterflies in my stomach, and the soft lips of someone I loved for long. I wish to stay here forever, in his warmth and in this very moment.

 

But this wasn't a cartoon, or a movie, or a book. Even those things sometimes don't have happy endings. But they do end, eventually.

 

  
 

 

"Oh hey," I waved my hand over to Jun, that rich friend who planned the party in this club. 

 

"Hello! You came," he beamed and leaned close to my ear, covering with his hand. "Be careful, it gets hot here sometimes."

 

"Ha, alright," I laughed in a flat tone. "I'll leave before things get hotter."

 

Then he went to his own business, and I squeezed my way against the crowd to the drinks corner. I dislike alcohol, but well, who cares.

 

I sat down on a bar stool and a bartender set a glass in front of me and poured over a drink. I bid thanks to him and he left.

 

I only went here because my friend, Jun, forced me to. I couldn't just decline, plus, I had the sad feelings this afternoon. Might as well try to decrease them.

 

 

  
_"I'm sorry, Seungkwan, but we're just not working out anymore."_

 

_"What do you mean?" I held his arm that he quickly let go. "Aren't we going to try to fix this?"_

 

_"We've tried many times already, can't you see that?" Vernon faced me, and he looked so different. I bothered him, I became a burden to him. "I'm sorry, Seungkwan."_

 

_"What did I do.. for you to feel this way?" tears welled up in my eyes, and Vernon's face was filled with regret as he stared at the ground._

 

_"You didn't do anything, Seungkwan." his eyes stared at the floor, no more stars in his eyes. "I'm the one to blame.. I love someone else now."_

 

_"Vernon.." then tears fell down my cheeks._

 

_He walked away, leaving everything unexplained, and I didn't expect that this day would come._

 

_He brought every single positive thing that I kept, leaving me with nothing. Leaving me empty._

 

 

  
_"I'm sorry, Seungkwan, but we're just not working out anymore."_

 

_"I'm sorry, Seungkwan, but we're just not working out anymore."_

 

I can't even forget the sound of his voice when he said that. Or anything he had ever told me. How could I forget? He's the only one I ever felt these emotions for.

 

_"I'm sorry, Seungkwan, but we're just not working out anymore."_

 

Bullshit.

 

_"I'm the one to blame.. I love someone else now."_

 

What the hell did I do, that made his love for me disappear?

 

_"I'm sorry Seungkwan, but we're just not working out anymore."_

 

"Then why the hell don't you go to the gym?"

 

"What?" some stranger or rather my ex-lover, Xu Minghao looked at me and waved his hand at me. 

 

"What did I say?" I asked, just focused on the stranger. 

 

"You were talking about the gym, I think?" 

 

"Oh cool, you go to the gym now?" a  _rare_  Vernonappeared from the stranger's back, and my eyes opened wider. My highschool ex-lover (we never became boyfriends, he was just crushing on me so badly) and my ex-boyfriend (who I love so much), are together? 

 

Oh my gosh?

 

"H-huh?" I am way too shocked to understand what was going on with my surroundings.

 

I must be drunk? What should I do...

 

"Hey," Vernon waved his hand infront of my face, and he looked youthful and happy. He didn't change, just that, he looks so fresh, like he took some new unpolluted air from the mountains. It's like when I first saw him, and my heart did the tumbling.

 

I wonder if he was ever able to make his dreams come true without me. Did he continue photography? He's such an artsy guy, I wonder.. Is Minghao artsy too? That could have been the reason why he left me.

 

Did they laugh together until their stomach ached— did he feel so happy with Minghao, happier than how he felt when I was with him?

 

Did Minghao hurt him, like ever? Were they chasing the moon, you and me against the world kind of thing? 

 

"Oh shit, hey," I shook my head and blinked my eyes to clarify what the hell was happening around me.

 

"You okay?"

 

"Since when am I considered to be okay? Do you have specific standards, to be able to say that I am okay?" I looked him straight in the eyes, and I felt so angry (or maybe it wasn't anger) at him. How dare he?

 

"Seungkwan, it's been a year," he raised his tone, then I think he rolled his eyes at me.

 

Yes, Hansol, it's been a year. And you still look the same, you're still the lovely beautiful boy whom I love.

 

You still have that gummy smile, and those eyes that make me weak, and your hair, still the same. 

 

I could have thought you're still my boyfriend, but you're by someone else's side now. And your arm is hooked onto his, unlike a year ago, when our fingers are tangled together.

 

You're still in my dreams, you're still the one I call when I have nightmares, and you're still the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

It's been a year.

 

"A year, and three months and twelve days, to be exact."

 

"Oh."

 

I must be drunk. I can't even believe it. I think I'm hallucinating, and I am talking to a Vernon of my hallucination, and I even saw Minghao. 

 

"Well, bro, I wish you well," he patted my back then squished my cheek before he disappeared into the crowd.

 

Just like how his love dispersed into air back then.

 

"Hmpf, stupid." I said to my glass. "You wish me well, ha, you have no idea."

 

You have no idea... how hard it is for me.

 

I felt sweat fall from my face then onto the marble counter. Sweat.. from my eyes?

 

This emptiness can't be described by using numbers or vocabulary, so I will give myself a drink for that.

 

And another drink. 

 

Then another. 

 

I might have no freaking idea what I'm drinking, but for once, it does my body good. I can't really care.

 

Ah, am I not enough? Am I worth being left for someone else?

 

I feel so lonely hahahahaha, in the middle of a party in a fancy club. Hahaha. But hey, but the bottles are really nice.

 

  
_"Hmmhm, Seungkwan~" Vernon tapped on my shoulder, I looked at him from behind and he strangled me with a hug. "I miss youuu, notice me!"_

_"I'm working, but hey! I'm not ignoring you," my eyes were on the papers on my desk, but damn I would have abandoned these just for him. "Let's talk lateeer."_

_"Alright," he left a peck on my cheek, and another one, on the opposite side. "Love you."_

 

And now he loves someone else, plus it's that ex-lover I had before! Tehee, how funny.

 

It's so funny I could cry.

 

 

_"What are we going to watch?" I waited for the microwave to finish baking the popcorn, and Vernon was already sitting on the couch, laying and calling out to me cutely._

 

_"What do you wanna watch?" he popped his head from the front of the couch, and I was already walking towards him._

 

_"You know I could watch you, and I'll never get bored." I said in my head._

 

_"Anything," I smiled with popcorn on hand when I sat on the couch beside him._

 

_"So there's a movie called 'Anything'?" he flicked the buttons on the remote and stared lazily at the tv, as he stuffed popcorn to his mouth. How cute._

 

_"Maybe?" I laughed and then a movie came up._

 

_"Hmmhm." he sighed sheepishly and rested his head on my stomach, completely focused on the movie he picked out. He held the popcorn, which made it hard for me to pick some, so instead, he fed me the popcorn and stuffed them into my mouth._

 

_"Seungwkwaaan, gross," he laughed and sat away from me when I didn't catch the popcorn he set into my mouth. His gummy laugh and his small canines were showing; and I was melting like butter in a heated microwave. He's so cute._

 

 

"Ah, good times..." I smiled, and I didn't even know I was crying until I saw a faint reflection of me on the glass I was drinking from. "But, what happened?"

 

He just changed. I wasn't even warned. Also, I'm not sober anymore. How am I gonna know?

 

The words he said, "Love you," "I love someone else now," they hurt, more than a sharp blade cut against my skin. It hurts my heart so much. I wish he never said the first thing he said. I wish he never confessed to me.

 

So I wouldn't be in so much pain as I am now.

  
I still love you, Hansol Vernon Chwe.

 

But why doesn't this drink make me forget things? I stared at my glass.

 

Even though you hurt me and made me cry.. Even though you left me for someone else..Even though my words stopped and my heartbeats quickened when I'm with you, I never stopped loving you.

 

But of course, you stopped doing that a year ago.

 

And like this love, god, my tears just won't fucking stop.

 

How could he replace me for that person? Am I boring? Clingy? Too sweet? How the hell was I not enough?

 

It could be a dream, but no, because I'm feeling so much pain. 

 

This is a nightmare.

 

But again, if Vernon will be in his nightmare— then I would rather stay here.

 

And I will wait until this nightmare ends, until he loves me again.

 

Would that be possible?

 

  
"Seungkwan, wake up, wake up. Please."

  
❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀

 

—  **_Vernon's POV, 4 months later_ ** — 

 

"What the hell?" I yelled at Minghao as he threw away my things outside our apartment, his apartment. He threw away even my photographs and the paintings— oh god. What did I do?

 

"Screw you! I don't need you, go away!" he threw away the last bunch of my belongings, and I sat by the stairs looking helpless, crying, and I didn't know what the hell I should do.

 

"Seungkwan.." I knocked on the door. This place used to be our place. I really need to be responsible and rent myself an apartment, but now's not the time to argue about how irresponsibe I am.. Right now, I need.. I need Seungkwan.

 

Please, open up Seungkwan. Please.

 

"Hey, wait a moment," someone spoke through the door and I heard the lock on the other side being moved. "Who are you?"

 

"Umm? Doesn't Seungkwan live here?" 

 

"Seungkwan? Don't know the name."

 

"Oh, alright, thanks!" then the woman smiled at me and softly closed the door.

 

Then I had no idea what to do, really. I feel so lost.

 

Where could he have gone?

 

_"Boy, your friend's not waking up," I heard the bartender say to Jun and he pointed to Seungkwan who was unconcious, his head rested on the counter._

 

_"Really? Let's bring him to the hospital, please." Jun said to the bartender._

 

_Minghao was forcing me to go home with him already, so I couldn't figure out what happened to Seungkwan. I was just curious._

 

I don't know where to find him.

 

 

—  **_Jun's_   _POV_ **  — 

 

 

_"His alcohol intake included an element of Valium, which must be the cause why..." the doctor said, and my hands were pressed together, praying, hoping._

 

_Seungkwan, you have to be strong._

 

_Seungkwan will be okay, right? Please._

 

_"Seungkwan, wake up, please," I held his arm and begged, but he felt cold._

 

_Please, no. Seungkwan, please wake up, you can do this._

 

_I believe in you. You'll get through this._

 

  
—  _**Seungkwan's POV** _ — 

 

"Seungkwan, wake up, wake up, please." I heard Jun's voice, and someone sobbed along with a sound from a hospital machine.

 

"Excuse me, we need to conduct defibrillation on his heart," I heard the doctor say and Jun was forced to get out of the emergency room.

 

I couldn't feel my body anymore.

 

"On three," a nurse said, then I saw it on my vision, I saw myself..on a hospital bed, and doctors, and Jun was crying—his hand pressed against the window, and I was crying too. "One, two, three! Clear!"

 

The machine made a loud banging sound, but there was still no heartbeat.

 

They were doing.. that thing. Defibrillation. My heart.. must have stopped already?

 

  
_Bang. The empty paint cans fell, and I heard Vernon groan from his workroom. "Ugh, shit."_

 

_"You alri—" I walked towards Vernon, who had his hands pressed agaisnt his head, distaste on his expression._

 

_"I can't believe it, I didn't.. I failed.." he fell sitting on the floor, sobs escaping him._

 

_"Hey, it's alright," I planted soft strokes on his back, and wiped his tears slowly with my free hand. "You don't need to worry about our expenses, I'm working hard."_

 

_"No," he looked up at me, my stomach churned because of the pained expression on his face. "I have to work too.."_

 

_"You'll find one, alright.." I leaned lower and left a peck on his forehead. "It will come. Now, stop destroying your art."_

 

_"T-thank you," he sighed and hiccuped, I softly patted his back. "I love you so much."_

 

_I love you most. Always._

 

 

"One more, one more." a doctor said, a blank expression on her face. She held the handle and it was against my heart, and another one on the bottom of my chest.

 

People surrounded my body, doctors, nurses were holding on to me like they were trying to give me life. 

 

 

 _"Seu_ _ngkwaaan! I got the job!" Vernon jumped up and down when he entered the cafe to meet me._

 

_"That's great," I pat the seat beside me and tried to calm him down from his excitement. "I'm proud of you."_

 

_I really am. He's going to be an artist, making his dream come true. And seeing that makes me want to tear up._

 

_"Thank you," he sipped from the coffee I bought. "Now you don't need to worry much about our rent, I can help you now. Finally."_

 

_Him. And this cafe, a portrait that is really beautiful. The smell of coffee. The shy smiles, soft typing, a book page being turned, low chattering. Breathtaking._

 

_It felt like home._

 

_Didn't it?_

 

"One, two, clear!" 

 

Then everything went white, like someone splashed white paint to my eyes, and all I could hear was people sobbing, and asking what went wrong.

 

What went wrong was.. Me. Even my health wasn't enough. Just like me, for him. I would never be enough.

 

But in this last moment.. they can't take away who I love.

 

"Ma'am.. we're deeply sorry. We're sorry we failed you. His cardiovascular system has completely stopped."

 

"I'm sorry, Seungkwan.."

 

"Son.. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if I lacked, but you know, we'll always love you."

 

_"Seungkwan, I-I—" my heart could explode at any moment. "I t-think..I'm in love with you."_

 

_"I feel the same," I said in between hiccups, and his eyes were so filled with innocence, and sparks that shined brighter than the stars._

 

_"T-thank you," he smiled shyly, his eyes directed at my lips—a warm touch behind my neck, and he pulled me to close the gap in between us. I feel butterflies in my stomach, and the soft lips of someone I loved for long. I wish to stay here forever._

 

_"Seungkwan, wake up, please."_

 

_"You didn't do anything, Seungkwan." his eyes stared at the floor, avoided mine. "I'm the one to blame.. I love someone else now."_

 

_"Seungkwan, wake up, wake up. Please."_

 

_"I love you so much," these words.. I can never forget._

 

_…Time could stop, whenever I'm with him. But my heartbeat wouldn't…_

 

But it wasn't a cartoon, or a movie or a book. Even those sometimes don't have happy endings. But they do end, eventually.  

 Hansol Vernon Chwe, I love you most. Always.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hi, well, how did it go? how do you feel? i feel like i still lack as i wrote here, but i hope it's enough~ i'll really appreciate comments and kudos ♡ i plan to continue this and add a second chapter, if you have suggestions- feel free to comment !! thank you for reading ♡


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